Sunday, December 16, 2012

SEC Fan's Guide to Mizzou Baseball: Hater's Guide to Mizzou Baseball

In a blatant but personally embarrassing imitation of the folks at, this week's post is a Hater's Guide to Mizzou Baseball.

My vocabulary doesn't even include some of the potty-mouth words the Deadspin writers use, but my aim here is to give you permission to hate Mizzou Baseball, but in a semi-informed way. I say "semi-informed" because the following will adhere somewhat to the mantra of the Deadspin haters:
"As always, no research of any kind has been done for these entries. In many cases, I don't even know the name of the school's head coach. And that's because ignorance is the lifeblood of good hate. Without ignorance, we'd all be able to understand and sympathize with one another, and sympathy is for women..."  [Quote edited for sensitive and non-juvenile sensibilities]
There are plenty of people who hate Mizzou Baseball.

Kansas certainly does. They hate anything and everything about Missouri, except when they want to drive across the river and make idiots of themselves at the Power & Light District in Kansas City.

SEC fans, though, will have to find their own reasons to hate Mizzou Baseball.  Here's a few to try on and see if they fit your Dixie sensibilities:
Mizzou fans don't dress up for baseball games.  We wear whatever we feel like.   
Mizzou baseball attendance sucks.  I don't know why. 
Our ballpark, Taylor Stadium, is one of the smallest ballparks in the SEC, yet it averages an attendance at 25% capacity. Yes, attendance sucks. 
In spite of the fact that attendance sucks, getting decent parking is ridiculous unless you get there early enough to grab a spot at the top of the Summit.
The concessions are merely adequate.  Maybe that's why attendance sucks.  I don't know. 
There are entirely too many gingers on this team.  Recruiting Coordinator Kerrick Jackson must intentionally devote his time to searching out all the red-headed stepchildren he can find to fill out the roster.  If that's not bad enough, one of those carrot-tops is inordinately proud of his ginger-haired calves.
If you really want to develop a negative impression of Mizzou fans, spend some time lurking at, especially on The Shack board (aka "the cesspool").  Make sure you have plenty of antibiotics on hand before you go in, though.
Head Coach Tim Jamieson does not tweet on Twitter.  But his left knee does
Mizzou Baseball's first and last National Championship was in 1954, which was before even I was born.   This of course makes Missouri one of only four SEC teams to win the CWS,  tied with Georgia in third place for the most CWS championships (LSU 6, USC 2, UGA 1, MU 1) and 2nd in CWS runner-up finishes..

Paper Tiger
But here, read some entertaining Mizzou hate and Mizzou Baseball hate from highly informed people on the internet:

Missouri did more to destroy the Big 12 than Texas did (Cowboys Ride For Free)
Who started conference realignment? Who has whored themselves out to the most conferences since this started? (Word on the street is they have an invite from the NFL) Who overvalues their program the most? (Besides A&M) Who, out of all teams in the former Big 12, have the most to lose by moving? M-I-Z, Z-O-U. After news broke they were trying to seduce the Big 10 all hell broke loose. Seriously, if their officials could keep a God damn secret maybe we'd all still be one big dysfunctional conference. Listen up Tigers, I have news for your journalism school: In the Big 12 you would have had a shot at winning the conference, but you will never win the SEC. If you're in that conference 200 years, you will never win it.
Missouri has 63% more meth labs than the next closest state (Cowboys Ride for Free)
That's just a fact, you can't argue with that Tiger fans (well, **** like you probably could, but you just look stupid doing so). Misery is doing more to contribute to the decline of America than the Taliban. Maybe if y'all did less meth you'd realize that two of your claims to fame are lies, you don't have America's first football homecoming (Baylor, 1909), and you don't have the worlds first journalism school (Ecole Superieure de Journalism de Paris, 1899).
They banned strip clubs (Cowboys Ride for Free)
Until this bull***t get's repealed I will never travel to, through, or near Missouri. Seriously, I thought Oklahoma was full of bible thumping jerks, but ****, Missouri went too far. They banned fully nude (what the hell is the point of a titty bar if you can't have a errant pube fall in your beer?), banned alcohol, and require dancers to be 6 feet from the customers at all times. Really? I'm disappointed in America. If there's something wrong with getting a pair of tits in your face for cash, I don't want to be right.

Conference realignment: Is Missouri about to play the SEC’s fool? (Big Red Today)

The University of Missouri could be on the verge of making a stupendous mistake of impatience, borne out of a handful of university and state leaders wanting to wipe egg off their face from last year’s Big Ten debacle with a move to the SEC, a league that has neither the academic pedigree nor the competitive atmosphere suited for such a starchy Midwestern institution.

Mizzou in a ditch fight with SEC programs who embrace cheating and slippery ethics like a favorite uncle? The Tigers’ so-so fan base traveling to South Carolina, Georgia and Auburn? In trade for what? A little more TV money? Long-term security?

See, this is how powerful people get. They beg for one thing — the Big Ten — get shut down there, and figure there’s a better move to make outside of waiting. There isn’t. And I’m not going to go into some painful 3,000-word exegesis about this, either. Save exegeses for Occupy Wall Street or child welfare or something. This is a great school making a dumb move and all the Kansas City media and Mizzou alums will stomp and cheer and all the rest of it (the St. Louis media will pay attention when the World Series is over, thank you) while the SEC-centric college football sites that bloat and pillage my Twitter feed will write 4,000-word blog posts comparing this change to the conquest of whole plate of chicken and waffles in Memphis. Or whatever. It’s dumb. It’s the wrong play.

Sound Familiar? Georgia Baseball (And The Rest Of The SEC East) Will Enjoy An Easier Schedule With Expansion (SBNation Atlanta)
Oh, that puckish Mizzou. First they incense a few of their new SEC neighbors simply by existing - theirs and Texas A&M"s addition to the 2012 football slate bumped several "heavyweight" games like Georgia / Alabama off the schedule- and now they're benefitting Bulldog baseball and the rest of the SEC East in much the same manner. The gall!
. . .
Despite the two new schools, the SEC isn't expected to expand its 30 game conference schedule, which breaks down to ten, three-game series. That means every team will play one series against their division foes (six), and one against a rotation of four teams from the opposite division. Power schools like the Gators, Vanderbilt, defending CWS Champion South Carolina and yes, those lucky Bulldogs, will be guaranteed one series a year against Missouri, and less of a chance each season of drawing perennially ranked schools like Arkansas (No. 4 this year), LSU (No. 8) or Ole Miss (No. 22).

Say what you want, that it's a totally logical inclusion of new schools with accidental side affects on particular schools, but we side with South Carolina - this is all a dirty UGA conspiracy, and we're not fooled!
Mizzou is going to get donkey stomped in baseball (SEC Rant Board at
schlow mo: I don't think this should be overlooked.

They will be able to compete in basketball, they will be a level with us or a little below in football. Baseball is just going to be awful, they might not get out of the cellar for a decade.

When you can't be a better team in the big 12 in baseball, where I think about half the teams don't even play baseball, you are going to be awful in SEC baseball

Just trust me when I tell you when Mizzou starts a 30 game slate against the SEC they are going to cry Friday through Sunday for 10 straight weekends

Your stadium holds 3k which is just sad

Haven't been to the CWS since 64

Haven't won your shitty conference since 80

Yall are going to get curb stomped weekly

Bamainozarks: They will be the worst baseball team ever to dawn an sec uniform

Wildcatmike: Mizzou fans, your team will here me from the deck (not going to point out who I am) ..but from Leon Landry to Webb of USC had great times during games
Mizzou's SEC Application (click here to see the graphic at


1 comment:

  1. wow! That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of. A website dedicated to your biggest rival. ku equals all Mizzou all the time.